I haven’t been able to sleep well since I got back from Europe. As that was nearly a month ago, I think I ought not blame jet-lag. So it’s 4:30 in the morning and my dad is waking up to go to work, but I haven’t slept yet this evening. Insomnia is a bitch, and I really have to get rid of it before I leave for Oxford. Life over there will be hard enough without adding sleep deprivation to the mix.
I’m still not sure how I will say goodbye to my friends and family. On some level I just want to make a clean break: goodbye guys, I will call you on December 6th, when I’m back in the country. Deactivate facebook, uninstall AIM. That approach surely isn’t the best, and I doubt I have the guts to follow through with it anyhow.
Hanging out with the younger sis makes me so glad I’m not in high school anymore. But then I listen to myself talk about college, and I realize that things aren’t really all that different. There’s just more alcohol, sex, and studying (surprising, no?). Tonight, for example. I have crush on boy, boy tells me (damn you, AIM!) that he has crush on girl (not me). So now what? I bite my tongue and try to go on as though nothing momentous has happened. At least college can provide a little perspective: relationships aren’t just about who is cutest in the class, and there are obstacles bigger than whether or not he has already dated your friend, and if your class schedules match up.
I think that I want to succeed. Maybe I just don’t want it enough. Desire–volition– seems more important than opportunity (at least in my case). I’ve had plenty of opportunities, but no real drive to follow through with what I think I want. Is that something I can change?
